What plans can you make, if your destiny is written into the tapestry of reality? How can life just happen, if your existence can be punctuated by a bullet, turning it into a scarlet mosaic on a bathroom floor?
It's been a week since...
A week which echoed with deja vu and dreams that mimicked it's supernatural, time-travelling cousin that never happened.
It's been a week since I curled up on the floor, waiting for the gunshot that fixed everything. Everything but me.
There is this scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, where Spock sacrifices himself saying "needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few." Was that what I did? What Chloe did?
Shit, spending last week binge-watching Warren's sci-fi collection messed with my brain just as much as my personal Doctor Who adventure.
"Max, are you all right?" a gentle touch on my shoulder summoned my mind back to reality.
"Yes." I said automatically without thinking.
Kate's worried face seemed painfully familiar as she gave me a searching look. Smell of the teas she brought with her filled my nose, an unfamiliar, deep blend of something I couldn't even try to pronounce. Normally I would stick to more familiar tastes, but we were, after all, in the heart of Portland's China Town, so when in Rome...
Kate promised me a trip around all the tea shops in the city, and despite my mood, I agreed to join her.
Or maybe it was the "other" Kate, the one that almost killed herself? Or was it me who proposed it?
I don't even remember anymore.
Tao of Tea was a very traditional Chinese tearoom, with furniture, teapots, even the building imitating Asian style. There were hardly any guests at this time of day, it was just past the lunchtime. If I tried, I could imagine actually being a thousand years in the past, a thousand miles away from Oregon, but my imagination cling to what was real and now.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea" Kate said gasping "It was silly to think I could cheer you up with a cup of tea."
"Oh, no no..." I protested quickly "I'm sorry. I was just... thinking. I'm here now. 100%. Promise."
That forced admission seemed to scoop sadness from her worried face, but not from her eyes.
"That's all right Max" Kate said after a moment "You don't have to pretend."
"I'm not. I just..." I paused, how could I explain events of the last week I lived twice "I just need to sort things out. And being here with you is great. I'm just being stupid wasting it on overthinking."
That actually made her smile ever so slightly.
"I believe that your friend is in a better place now." she said after taking a sip of the tea. White cup looked tiny even in her gentle hand.
"I want to believe that too" I agreed. Chloe deserved to be somewhere blissful, wherever it may be.
"I can't imagine what you're going through" she added, encouraged by my admission "But maybe knowing she's at peace now could help you. It helped me when my grandma passed away."
A trail of a nostalgic smile passed through her lips.
"Were the two of you close?" I asked. I was curious, of course, but I also felt better focusing on something else than the mess in my head.
"Not that much" she admitted "She died when I was seven. But my dad tells me with each year, I look more like her." she paused and a playful sparks lit her eyes "I even have the same hairstyle."
I could imagine Kate's grandma rocking that bun back in the 50s, but today it looked dangerously archaic. But I wasn't the one to judge fashion, I was stuck in the 90s myself.
"She must have been a very pretty girl when she was your age" I said with a smile... but without thinking.
"Thank you" Kate seemed surprised and slightly embarrassed.
Stupid Max!
Stupid Max!
"I mean..." I decided to dig a deeper hole under myself "I really respect that you don't follow trends. I mean... uh..." I paused with a helpless expression on my face, wondering if I said anything more, my hole would actually be deep enough to reach China.
"I know what you mean" Kate giggled softly "I couldn't even keep up with modern fashion. Each year different colours, styles and fabrics. My drawers would overflow after two years.
"What do you think Victoria does to her old clothes? It's not like her room is any bigger than ours" I asked casually, taking a sip of my own tea.
It had earthy, slightly bitter taste. Very rich with a hint of imbir among dozen other flavours I couldn't recognise.
It had earthy, slightly bitter taste. Very rich with a hint of imbir among dozen other flavours I couldn't recognise.
"Maybe she give them away?" Kate proposed "Like to a charity?"
"I don't know. Maybe?" I shrugged and the tea almost came out of my nose as I laughed "Can you imagine homeless people wearing last year's Versaches and Pradas?"
"Well, it is last year's collection after all." Kate said with pretended seriousness and giggled with me.
I forgot.
It was so easy to forget.
The very same Victoria we were joking about now, was a source of vicious rumours about Kate just last week. But since then so much happened, her "hot pixxx" became a tale of the past. Blackwell Academy experienced an earthquake when Nathan was arrested, but then when he spilled the beans about Jefferson, whole Arcadia Bay became a center of a biblical cataclysm. Who would remember about some silly party?
Kate - I answered my own question.
Those rumours about her, pictures of her kissing random guys... she almost killed herself because of that. Everyone else probably forgot about the whole thing by now, but I knew Kate remembered.
And yet, it was her idea to come to Portland. To cheer me up. To accommodate my shitty mood.
Fuck, where does she find the strength to not just carry on, but take care of me?
Maybe in this timeline she's the one who would save me - this single thought run shivers down my spine.
My phone beeped and I reached out to my pocket without a second thought.
"HEY MAX! How is Portland? Make sure 2 take a detour 2 Lovecraft Bar. It's on 421 SE Grand Avenue. It's uber easy to miss. Look for black door. THE OLD ONES ARE WATCHING!"
"It's Warren" I said putting the phone away "He's being his wacky self."
"Some things don't change" Kate smiled, and added more seriously "I think he really likes you."
Now it was me being uncomfortable, as I shifted on the Chinese-wannabe chair.
"Yeah. I know." I said looking into bottomless depth of my teacup.
"Oh. Sorry." Kate picked up on my body language instantly.
"No, that's fine. I just-- I can't deal with it now." I said truthfully. I needed some peaceful R&R now. Not being dragged to some B-movie marathon about apes. Or visiting Lovecraft's Ground Zero. My life was strange enough as it was.
"I think you're lucky to have someone like that." she said with hearth-wrenching longing in her voice.
"Yeah." I smiled "The novelty goes away after about 8 seasons of Stargate:SG-1."
I was hoping for a silly joke to lead conversation away from the touchy topic, but Kate didn't took the bait.
"You know what I mean." she said "I wish I had someone like that. Someone who would love me. Someone who would come to my rescue no matter what."
I did - I wanted to yell out loud - I did! I went to the rooftop to save you..!
Instead I said quietly:
"You have me."
Fuuuck.
"As.. as a friend. You know?"
If I blinked, I'd miss the sudden shadow of disappointment in Kate's eyes.
"As a friend" she repeated "I know."
I opened my mouth to say something, but I closed them without making a sound.
What was that?
I took a long sip of tea, waiting for my brain to stop spinning inside of my skull.
Deep breath.
The silence from casual, quickly escalated to awkward. Then, in a time shorter than a heartbeat, a very loud heartbeat I may add, it went from awkward to impossible to bare.
Oh shit.
Kate?
But?
How could I be so---?
"I'm sorry." Kate said, once again, repeating the mantra as it was a spell that would wish away her suddenly rosy cheeks.
"No." I protested with a strength that surprised even me "Don't be."
I wasn't sure what else to say. Depending on my clumsy mouth wasn't the best idea anyway.
Instead I just reached out to her hand on the table and squeezed it softly, feeling her ice-cold fingers intertwine with my own.
This is life, happening when I'm making other plans...
you are my hero
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